Thursday, December 09, 2004

Year End Black Funk

It's been a hard day's night.
For a year.

My sense of never-ending, ever-extending possibility is being trampled into slush in the grey fog of discarded illusions, as I get into my annual another-year-gone-by-and-what-have-I-achieved angst.

Every year, around this time, my insides start squirming around, to lead me to an overwhelming question (forgive me, TS: no, do not ask what is it).

In the matter of Universe Vs. Frog, the defendant stands accused of being an undisciplined, lethargic bum, a prefers-lying-around-reading-and disappearing-into-dreamworlds-to-getting-up-and-initiating-some-action hope-less, soul-less thrift-less, shift-less, drifting piece of human excrescence. And usually, judged by the high standards of this court, the defendant doesn't just lose - she's demolished, decapitated, de.

It begins like this. Suddenly, one afternoon at work, remembering that it's a friend's birthday, I send him a message. My mind works slowly during this run up to this epiphany. I'm going along, clicking my fingers, thinking, hey, wow, time really passes like that ... And suddenly, it hits me. December. End. Finito. New. Old. Shift. Change. Ding!

And so. I withdraw. I start thinking about the year. Can't be that I've accomplished / achieved nothing, it just can't. I can distinctly remember actually being nice to some people sometime during the year - surely that ought to count in my favour. I've refrained from eating potatoes for 150 (give or take) days out of 365 - that's gotta show some iron self control, huh? And, well, god knows I did well at work (even though somehow, these days, dragging myself out of bed in the morning to go to work is such a pain that I almost want to be diagnosed with some non-mortally-serious disease that demands bed-rest for a month, without too much imposition on people around, - a disease that also leads to steady - and rapid - weight loss without seriously impairing my energy / health... ).

I start drawing up hysterical sets of accounts, covering everything from the professional (Spear-headed the retail marketing initiative. Sassed the boss.) to the personal (Learnt a language. Forgot it.) and so on.

So this is due warning. All my posts over the next few weeks are likely to zig-zag wildly between foul moods and introspective calm. Bear up. This weather is likely to continue until, on New Year's Eve, I find a bonfire into whose embers I can stare thoughtfully, for hours, remembering and letting go and learning to live all over again.

Meanwhile, here's food for thought:

"The worst thing about the future is that it keeps turning into the present."
~ Calvin (Bill Watterson)

14 comments:

yesbob said...

non-mortally......month !!!! wow!!!!!!!
I was thinking the very same thing ...
try chronic fatigue syndrome, am working on making my doc believe that i've got it ...

progga said...

Thanks, yesbob. Glad to see it's not me alone - and will try chronic fatigue syndrome. Meanwhile, let's invent some more. How about malattia di sonno (sounds like malady, means sleeping sickness)?

Anonymous said...

And you could now consider your future blogs based on the words of wisdom which I have mailed you!!

N

progga said...

N,
You will note the mention of high standards in my post, repeated in your mail, and the theme of many of our coffee-and-smoke conversations over the years! Great minds think alike (recall that Darwin quote?), and we're doomed, both of us, by our intellect - and the tangled web it makes us weave!
P

Anonymous said...

heard the tale of the farmer who wanted to sell his farm and retire ? and he put up an ad in the paper, and upon reading it himself, realized that this was what he'd wanted all his life ...
k

progga said...

Very deep, K. But ummm I don't know if that's quite it.

yesbob said...

tx progga, actually, this was from RD , from 'life's like that' or 'nother such humor column ...

yesbob said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kraz Arkin said...

Very well written, though I cant say I identify with it. Achievement has never been a benchmark I judge my life by. Maybe I'm in the wrong time. :) Take care, and looking forward to more good stuff.

progga said...

Hey Kraz. This post actually started me on my annual oh-my-god-another-year's-gone-by trip. Achievement - yeah, it's important, but one has to know how to define it... :)
Thanks for the compliment though. I'm still trying to reach your standard!

Kraz Arkin said...

Think you forgot to close an italics tab somewhere, unless you want your whole blog to be italian..oops italicized. Just check. :)

progga said...

hey... doesn't look italicised to me... [scratching head in perplexity]

Kraz Arkin said...

Ahh so it doesnt now...on this other system. Maybe it was Mozilla acting up. Sorry.

Kraz Arkin said...

http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com - spread the word.