So someone sent me this file, which claimed to define women, based on their zodiac signs. Like, if you're an Aries woman, you're tall, have a button nose with flaring nostrils (probably with a nose ring too), have hygiene issues, and your brain, while present, doesn't quite work the way it should. If you're a Saggi woman, you're dark, suffer from acne on your back, are never quite satisfied with the size of your butt - understandably, since it's way too large - and are prone to addictions of some sort - alcohol, nicotine, or out and out narcotics. If you're a Gemini woman, you probably suffer from a enhanced Electra complex - and speaking of enhancements, they wouldn't do you any harm, if you catch the thrust (heh!) of my gist.
Of course, I promptly sat down and opened The Capricorn Woman. Here's a glimpse:
Lacking in confidence. (Double har.)
Tactful. (Right. I have about as much tact as a fish is dry.).
Waist down, wraith-like in structure. (Sob!)
Oh, and my hot spots are my toes, knees and naval (!!!) cavity. (That's right, naval. Match that with "slim", if you can!)
And lest I forget: Saturdays are my lucky days. Woo-hooo! Never mind that Saturday is typically a lucky (hic) day for most people...
Also, for the men out there, in case you're interested: Gemini, Virgo, Taurus and Pisces men suit me best. Come to my boozalum, angel! If you're one of these signs, clearly we'll get along - even if you're anti-social, psychotic or just plain... ummm... mentally challenged (one must live up to one's reputation for tact).
I must warn you though: diamond, emerald and blue sapphire are my lucky gemstones. The stones I wear should never have been worn before (I presume this means I should change it on a daily, if not an hourly basis), and its weight should be related to my body weight and age. Now, since I'm getting older by the day, but not any lighter, and since I'm not quite as slim as my zodiac would have you believe, I'm gonna be an expensive proposition!
So anyway, having read through the full thing, after I finally got up and wiped away the tears pouring down my cheeks (mingled laughter at most of the stuff, and depression at not being slim!), I thought, hey, for those of you out there who believe in the zodiac, I'd write one for you.
Watch this space!